“Scream” awards quasi-semi-liveblog: Do I have to watch this?

Time to watch Spike TV and GET SOME ACTION…

7:50pm: …but for now I am watching Olbermann. They can’t make me switch early!

8:00pm: Shockingly, the first image of the “Scream” awards telecast was one of a writhing, seemingly naked woman. Welcome to Spike TV.

8:04pm: We are here tonight to honor the already hyper-honored figures of the cinematic multiplex. Sir Anthony Hopkins is glad to be a part of it, as well he should.

8:07pm: First references (yes, plural) to autoeroticism, courtesy those guys who currently play loser protagonists in every movie.

8:09pm: First “Hancock” joke. I would say “use your imagination”, but I really don’t think the imaginative faculty is necessary to guess the context.

8:10pm: “Hellboy II” finally receives the sort of accolade its like always has been denied by the elitist snobs of the Academy.

8:13pm: Commercial break! The first ad is for TNA wrestling. The second is for Captain Morgan. The third is for Taco Bell. We are now fully culturally positioned kthx

8:16pm: Nooooooo…it’s the “Saved by Zero” ad for Toyota.

8:19pm: The nominees for Best Violent and Sexy Comic Book are…

8:20pm: “From the movie you’re dying to see, it’s” some guy I don’t know, but he says his new comic/movie/merchandising franchise is now an “unstoppable force.”

8:23pm: Tribute to Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker. You did NOT see this coming!

8:24pm: HU blogfriend Davin helpfully draws some connections between this event and the Pumpkins’ little world:

(8:14 PM) davin: the list for SP-affiliated comic stuff is large too…..watchmen, batman, incredible hulk, transformers…..
(8:14 PM) davin: this should be a good crowd for them.
(8:14 PM) davin: that and the gothic connection
(8:15 PM) davin: i mean, tim burton is being honored (MCIS font and “pumpkin king” from Nightmare Before Xmas)
(8:17 PM) davin: manson is there….he had those stories about billy gettign fucked up with him in the limo, they were both “acknlowedged” in the nin starfuckers video….
(8:17 PM) davin: the SP connections/references abound…
(8:18 PM) davin: manson and billy should gang up and kick sharon osbourne’s ass
(8:18 PM) davin: and lets not forget kelly, who ragged on zwan
(8:18 PM) davin: and whose boyfriend got kicked in the stomach by billy backstage

8:29pm: First AXE commercial (that I’ve noticed).

8:31pm: Announcer says “All hail rock royalty…[holds breath?!]…The Osbournes.” Ah. Cue “Iron Man.” Sharon talking. It’s kind of like listening to Sarah Palin.

8:33pm: “Dexter” wins an award, to be accepted by “America’s favorite serial killer himself.” Who had that title previously?

8:35pm: Character in a movie clip makes reference to “the gift of reason”. At the moment I’m not entirely enamored of that “gift”.

8:38pm: An “ultra-hot cyborg from the future” introduces the first of two musical performances, this one by the “fabulously freaky” Kerli.

8:42pm: Kerli’s xylophones subside. Someone ate this dude’s Volcano Taco.

8:44pm: ON OCTOBER 26TH… WE ARE ALL GUITAR HEROES. Rated E for everyone.

8:47pm: Announcer’s faux-explicable first words on return from commercial break: “Put up your dukes if you’ve got a Stifler.”

8:49pm: Gary Oldman takes down a…an…I don’t know what the trophies are called.

8:50pm: Winona Ryder drops “Beetlejuice” ref, introduces Tim Burton. My clothes spontaneously cease to reflect light.

8:53pm: After a fantastically fiery delay, Burton appears in a basket borne aloft by a bundle of balloons. I’m not sure what it all meant, but that did look cool.

8:56pm: Dialogue from commercial for “Saw V”:

Male voice: “What the hell is that?!”

Female voice: “Our next nightmare.”

9:01pm (halfway home!): Guy flanked by two women says that he grew up reading a lot of science fiction. Women smile politely.

9:04pm: First use of the term reimagined (that I’ve noticed).

9:11pm: Wes Craven is given “the Mastermind Award”. Gory montage ensues.

9:15pm: Craven says that the F-word is “fans”. Awww. Marilyn Manson promptly emerges on stage and twice uses a different F-word.

9:17pm: Manson enunciates the words, “And the winner is: Penis Bitten Off by Vagina with Teeth.” Society soars over shark.

(9:19 PM) davin: no mention of SP since the very beginning, eh?

9:23pm: Announcer: “Please welcome Dexter’s girlfriend.” I guess there’s something to be said for not even pretending to respect the role.

9:29pm: In the race for Best Horror Actress, Jena Malone and her bloodstains lose out to Liv Tyler and her bloodlines. Better luck in your music career, Ms. Malone.

9:31pm: “Coming up: Smashing Pumpkins are back, and we’ve got them on ‘Scream’.”

9:35pm: “For 20 years, this band has been melting our minds…” “The lords of intergalactic rock” are at last on stage.

9:36pm: Way too much camera time for the dancers relative to the band…even if it probably isn’t that much. I just can’t take it at this point, haha.

9:37pm: The bridge!

(9:38 PM) pins: so can you feel it?
(9:38 PM) jjb: i don’t know. am i the “you”?
(9:38 PM) pins: i don’t know, that’s the only line i know

9:39pm: Gerard Way on stage to introduce the makers of “Watchmen”.

9:41pm: New “Watchmen” footage makes its “world premiere” to the strains of, yes, “The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning”. Coming soon to a million YouTube accounts!

9:43pm: I’m out, sorry.  That was more than enough.